fragmentedtots’s blog

I've always had an interest in politics. I took an exceptional interest with the US elections when through a blog, I saw a video of Obama speaking, for the first time. My hair stood up while watching him speak.

I saw him go from strength to strength, from being predicted to lose to Hilary Clinton, to winning the election.

My partner watched me tear as he delivered his acceptance speech. She asked me why.

I thought that the answer was obvious. Obama epitomised everything I believed in. The struggle against the odds, the belonging to the minority, the unwavering faith, the fight against the cynics. His victory was symbolised something to me. It symbolised that with enough strength, faith, and belief, anything is possible.

Who would have thought? I think my own dad laughed off his chances when he was running against Clinton. Many others did too. Not so sure if they're laughing now.

I never knew that America is so polarized till this election. I never knew that people with such extreme thinking existed, especially in America. It is a going to be a long fight, yet it is a fight he believed in, and it is a fight he made people believe as well, a fight that many has already given up hope on.

How many of us has chosen the easy way out when faced with the enormity of a task?

I don't think many people voted for Obama because they like him. It is more like they no longer wanted the Republicans to be in control, because to them, the Republicans represented the past, the past that everybody wants to forget.

Obama won, not because he was really good at political strategies, it was because he knew the way to people's hearts. He knew what they wanted. People say a good leader need not be a great worker. I believe this to be true. A good leader has to inspire and motivate. There are many who can become great workers, but not many has the gift to inspire.

I've been going to the same hairdresser for about 7 years now. 7 years is a long time. In between there were times when I flirted with other hairdressers, but it was either he wasn't available, or it was during the time when he moved to an area whereby it was difficult to access before the transportation infrastructure was up.

Over the years, I've recommended a huge number of people to him, and these people has recommended their people, and so it goes on. If this was a multi-level marketing scheme, I would have been very, very rich now.

The remarkable thing about him is, I am not the only one faithful to him. Out of the many I've recommended, probably 75% of them stayed faithful to him as well. The 25% who left, are those who like to control every inch of their hair.

His fee stayed unchanged over the years. He could have had a 5% - 20% increase and I am sure I would still go to him. Or maybe even more. I don't think I'll ever consider changing my hairdresser unless something drastic happens.

That is how good he is.

He never expanded, and the salon only has two hairdressers, him and his business partner. Sometimes I have to wait 2-3 hours for him and I would still wait, this coming from someone who is extremely impatient.

He works 6 days,10 hours a day, and I've never seen an ounce of irritability from him. I've never had a bad haircut either. Considering I am vain, placing utmost importance on my hair, and cut my hair every month, for 7 years, that is an amazing statistic.

That day while he was cutting my hair, I looked up in the mirror at him. I suddenly wondered, how does he do it? How can he, an artist in his own right, manage to maintain such high standards, day in, day out, rain or shine, good or bad mood?

I ponder. There is a lot to learn from him, and I'll try to remind myself of him, the next time I simply don't 'feel like' working.

Honestly, for all my beliefs, I am not very in tune with my higher-self or subconscious. I am too cynical, too full of self-doubt.

There must be a reason why I had a sudden influx of knowledge, realisations and acceptance in the past couple of years.

I know I am not the only one, there is an awakening in the collective consciousness.

However, I feel called. I honestly do not know if this is part of my imagination, my grandeur, my false sense of being in the know.

I just know, from the core of my soul, that I need to do something about it.

Too many signs, too many synchronicities for me to ignore.

There is nothing stopping me from going a step further except myself. My self-doubt.

That is why I hit the 'pay' button for the Angel Miracles workshop, to erase all that self-doubt with the click of a button.

No more turning back, only the excitement.

I cannot wait to tune in, this is what I have been waiting for recently, and perhaps, for all my life.

I want to be home. To remember.

The last few weeks have been a very mind bogging, emotionally draining, period for me.

Then again, I seldom have a peace of mind and heart in my life anyway.

I had the opportunity to visit noah's ark finally. I've always wanted to visit, but it's difficult to go when it's at some deserted part of JB.

It helps, really helps to have a animal loving partner, who alerted me to a fundraising tour for noah's ark.

It was an eye-opening, spiritually-uplifting trip.

I felt pure happiness and contentment.

I have never felt such happiness even on my travels. (Maybe not yet, maybe at the caribbean)

I remember Alex Ferguson saying in a post-match interview after his champions league triumph, that it makes a lot of difference when you are with a cause, and man utd was playing with a cause because of the 50th anniversary of the Munich disaster.

That quote somehow stuck in my head.

I have been progressing forward without a cause. Yes it is nice to be where I am now, it is nice to have my work recognised, it is even nicer to have my work helping people in certain ways, they have all given me moments of happiness, but I knew that somehow an emptiness in me is somewhat unfulfilled.

I have never been a very charitable person, I don't really feel much sympathy towards orphanages or old folks home, or cancer foundations, I have no idea why. It has never been a dream for me to be a relief worker or social volunteer. My ego has been pretty strong since young.

But. It has always broken my heart to see strays on the streets, many a time I have cried buckets of tears when I have to leave a stray behind.

Noah's Ark is a dream come true for me. I have been too caught up in the reality of life (but what is reality anyway), too caught up into my own needs (which is not wrong), to do something about my love for animals. It's always been NATO (no action, talk only). Since I was a teen I wanted to volunteer at animal welfare organisations, but when have I ever found the time to do so? I did have a lot of time, but these times my energy levels were so low, I just wasted my life away feeling down and out.

Then again, now I understand that it was needed for me to be down and out, to start my internal transformation.

I read J.K Rowling's speech at Havard's commencement, it goes something like "Rock bottom became the solid foundation of my life". I can totally identify with that. I won't say I have reached rock bottom before, but it was definitely emotionally and mentally near rock bottom. When you have nothing, you are instantly liberated. Because you no longer have anything to lose. Which ties in perfectly with my favourite quote from TBWA's ECD, "I have nothing, I have no fear of losing".

Times when my work is slowly getting exposed, times when money starts to roll in, it is VERY easy to get blinded by all these, fame and fortune. Really. Really, easy. Even me, the person who grew up thinking that money is evil, has been sucked in by what is not real.

I have no doubt that money and time are illusions. Time, you will never know when your life ends, really. Money, even if you accumulate great wealth, it can all be taken away from you in the next instant.

I know it with the clarity of my mind, from the bottom of my heart, but do I really apply this belief to my life? No. Because I am human, I am insecure, I too want a secure future. But what is security? Who defines security? Even if I own an apartment and hundreds of thousands in my bank, will I then feel secure? I doubt so.

I suspect I am internally insecure, which means no amount of money and possessions will make me feel secure. I also suspect by the time I am materially rich, my health will be the factor that will make me feel insecure.

That's the way life is, it never allows you to be in peace, if you define peace by external factors.

I have felt the peace that I so desperately craved at Noah's Ark. The sight of hundreds of dogs running free in open land. That's pure bliss. I still feel a lump in my throat as I write this.

From now I will dedicate a part of my monetary gains as well as my physical effort to my new-found cause. I have no doubt that if I can help more people be aware of Noah's Ark, and let more homeless and injured strays find a haven, I will continue to find peace in my heart, and happiness in my soul.

I am blessed to have found someone who shares the same cause, God is really kind to me. In fact, I think she is suffering from worse withdrawal symptoms, and we are already planning to have another visit this coming weekend.

Life seems to be bright, I seem to have found the light at the end of my tunnel.

"The past is history, the future is a mystery, now is a gift, that's why it's called the present."

Not sure what this signifies but I've been feeling a bit weird these days. Will see what happens.

I have had enough of my non-existent energy levels. In fact I don't remember ever being energized.

Anyway with my sixth house stellium in Aries, it's a matter of time that I have to pay attention to my health. I'm glad it's not some life threatening disease but work that motivated me. Ah. Sixth house again. Work and health just seems to go perfectly well.

I've bought this book:

Eating Alive: Prevention Thru Good Digestion

Let's see how.

I've been waking up early these days, realising that I have no problems waking up early in the morning if there's something for me to look forward to, and if I didn't have to drag myself to work.

I read with interest and intrigue about a well-known blogger whose one year death anniversary was last week. She led an eventful and very meaningful life, touching people who knew her, encouraged them to pursue their dreams, spotted their talents and gave them assurances that they were all special in their own ways. She was the propeller, the catalyst, the problem-solver. She died at 40.

I wondered about people like that, how come they possessed such innate strength? Strength not only to live their own lives to the fullest, but strength to inspire others to live their lives to fulfillment as well.

I also wondered, if I am to be able to escape the throes of my self doubt and depression, would I have the capacity to inspire as well?

My partner told me yesterday that I had been a huge influence in shifting her perspectives, that was enough for me. If I can ever touch other people's lives it would be a bonus, but it would be very important that I am able to touch those who are close to me.

I've always wondered about those people who are able to be positive and chirpy no matter what happens to them. I wonder if I would have grow to be like that?

People experience slumps once in a while. I experience them on a daily basis. My mood swings up and down, my desire to create fluctuates so much that I haven't been able to spot a rhythm myself. I do not know when I'm gonna go gaga and feel like crawling into my shell. In fact, a large part of me worries about this everyday.

I would like to document my thoughts publicly, share my inner and outer struggles with people who are experiencing the same. Yet, I am confused, because I do not want it to affect my work professionally. How would a client think of me if he knows that I'm chronically depressed?

There're tons of people out there who are like me, who are struggling to keep themselves afloat everyday, and I know that it would be something if I could write about my own, there's no greater healing than empathy. I admire those people who has the guts to stand out and proclaim their darkest secrets, whether they're gay, or if they have aids, or they were abused before, etc. These people have their careers, have their fears too, but the desire to help others like them shines above everything else.

I have to write in such a way that it's objective and is no longer shrouded with angst and pain. Yet, be able to express enough personal feelings that will reach out to those like me.

Would clients appreciate the honesty instead?

Somehow, I feel the world shifting. Just like I remarked to a friend that there are more people out there who appreciates handmade stuff, there are also more spiritually people, and I believe there are also more people out there who appreciates whats real instead of all the pretentious fluff surrounding them everyday.

I do believe in the law of attraction. I realised some time back that I do not have to bother about those who do not see me as who I am but judge me through the usual channels. Those who believe in me or who buys honesty are the ones I want to associate myself with. Friends or clients included. I have even committed the cardinal sin of telling a client I do not know what to charge and was rewarded for my honesty. Yes, I will always meet people who diss me off or take advantage of me, but I have to live for those who don't.

Just like Leslie Harpold who passed away last year, she always had faith in her friends, until they give her reason not to.

I used to tell people, I will trust a person wholeheartedly from the start, until he/she betrays that trust. And I always get weird looks in return.

I have been wounded by many before, but I haven't changed much of that in me. I am still naive, and still hope to be, because only with being naive will you believe in the impossible, and only by believing in the impossible, that one will have the strength to realise dreams. 

What work of art (film, book, record, whatever) changed your life?
Submitted by bodhibound.

The Celestine Prophecy

James Redfield

I managed to pack the bookshelf in the workroom, finally, 3 months after I moved.

Bought a few new books at PageOne.

CREATIVE LICENSE, THE: GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BE THE ARTIST YOU TRULY ARE

Edgar Cayce: Modern Prophet: Edgar Cayce on Prophecy; Edgar Cayce on Religion and Psychic Experience

Astrology, Karma & Transformation: The Inner Dimensions of the Birth Chart

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
-Steve Jobs

I tell people these days that I have never been happier in my life than now. Even though I still tend to feel depressed, insecure, paranoid at times, but at least I don't drag my feet to anywhere. I've spent most of my life dragging my feet. Dragging my feet to school, to work.

I find it harder to maintain friendships as well. The truer I am to myself, the more I can't put up with hypocrisy, deceit and facades anymore.

I tell my partner that I have too many things to think about to spend time listening to people's regular complaints about their lives. I feel like a newborn baby, learning how to crawl, and walk again.

I'm nearing three decades of my life and I still do not know what really makes me tick. How do I produce the best work? How do I hit optimum productivity without risking burn out? How to I maintain my passion and interest in the work I do?

So many unanswered questions, I want to get to know myself better again.

It's really not easy. To be unable to save steadily anymore, to be unable to travel much anymore.

But it definitely beats dragging my feet everyday.